My brother-in-law has been bugging me to write about arms for some time. I’m not entirely sure how the subject came up, but it’s true that I am frequently bragging about the fine state of my arms. Now that this Michelle Obama thing has hit the news, I’d just like to say a few words.
I have Michelle Obama arms.
Let’s have a look at that:
I’m not saying that my arms are better. Comparing white-sister with black-sister is just not fair. The length and proportion of the limbs, the quality of the skin… well, it’s part of a physical synergy that makes black people as unassailable in track and field as on the dancefloor.
I’m just saying that Michelle and I are on the same page. She and I are sharing an important piece of knowledge that the rest of you are only just coming up-to-speed on now:
Arms are the New Abs.
A Brief History of Arms.
I have been a follower of good arm style since Joanna Lumley was running with flat hands instead of fists in the New Avengers of the early 70′s. But arms never really made headlines until the Pioneer of Everything, Madonna, picked up her golden dumbbells. Her set (the biceps, not the weights) have boarded on the too-cut from time to time, but we’ll just put that down to late 80′s mistakes. My real arm heroine was always Linda Hamilton, who despite having a such a dreary name achieved action-bitch cult status as Sarah Connor in Terminator. Let’s have a look at the data:
Arms and Controversy
As all media bloggers know, when you are talking about arms it’s almost impossible not to segue into other subjects like politics, feminism and of course, terrorism.
So let’s go.
Why are we talking about Michelle Obama’s Arms?
…when there are so many more important issues to discuss? I’ll tell you why: we don’t want to talk about the Financial Crisis all the time! It’s done, the money’s gone and what we want now is to bathe in the light and hope of the couple Obama. We are talking about Michelle’s arms because they are the most attractive arms in the White House since Jackie Kennedy’s. And the parallels don’t end there – a young, healthy family who exude charm, beauty and power and still yet a down-to-earth availability. Those arms are the American dream.
The Right to Bare Arms.
Well, it would be wrong to say “the first lady’s got great tits” wouldn’t it? But we feel the need to give credit where credit’s due, nonetheless. The arm is one of the few body parts, while by no means devoid of feminine beauty, that is sufficiently un-sexual to avoid giving offence, by both the demonstrator and the commentator. The hands are also probably quite safe, as are the feet and probably the lower legs and the knees, but not the thighs. And nor, curiously, the back. It’s the utilitarian function-over-beauty equation at work. These parts are simply more functional than beautiful. Which means that Michelle’s arms are very very useful indeed.
Are Michelle’s Arms a Weapon of Mass Destruction?
It’s the muscles that people are afraid of. A woman with muscles is a strong woman, a woman who won’t be pushed around. And a woman who displays those muscles is a woman who is proud and confident. And for some sooky puny pinky pookies that’s a scary thing.
I have read something of what the sooky puny pinky pookies have to say – they say ‘Michelle Obama should cover herself up’. Suddenly all those clichés about ‘the threat to the American way of life’ and ‘the freedom of the American people’ make sense in the context of Michelle Obama’s arms. The day this woman covers her beauty is the day America loses the war against terrorism, a.k.a. Islamic fundamentalism. Quite frankly, the fact that an American journalist is even mouthing those words just shows how much they’ve lost it already.
Oh now, isn’t this getting boring…? Let’s cut the crap. Here’s what you want to know, really:
How To Get Michelle Obama Arms
Get a personal trainer, of course! For these fabulously famously wealthy successful people, it’s too easy. How did they get great arms? Madonna, personal trainer. Terminator’s mum, personal trainer. Michelle Obama, de de de de de. And I hate to tell you this people but Madonna’s personal training bills would be a tax deduction. She’s a performer. It’s her job. And the actor? The bill would go to the producer on T2. It’s part of the role. It’s Too Easy.
But we ordinary people don’t have the bucks (or the yucks, here in europe), nor the 90-minutes-three-times-a-week that Michelle apparently has (how’s that, I’d like to know?). But don’t worry, I have the secret.
Emma’s Easy Michelle Obama Arms Getting Tips for the Poor and Ordinary
First, find yourself an inconveniently located pile of stones. The size of the stones doesn’t matter, but the quality of the pile is important. If you have a choice, pick the biggest pile.
And now, move those stones to a place that is temporarily more convenient. The place is entirely up to you. You could start with somewhere close by, just a step away, and then later on you can try somewhere across the paddock. The important part is moving them. Pick them up, one by one, and put them somewhere else. It’s that simple. You don’t have to count, or chant something in Sanskrit, or even think about your arms. Just move those stones.
Now if the idea of moving stones day after day bores you, you can try this instead. This method seamlessly blends the arms training with your everyday lifestyle. Step 1: Disconnect the water supply inside your house. Then for every time you need water you have to walk outside to the tap, fill up a bucket and carry it inside. It doesn’t sound like much, but you’d be amazed at how many times a day you will need to carry a bucket of water in or out of the house. Go to the toilet? Need a bucket. Wash your hands, need a bucket. Do the washing up, de de de de de. And much like having a personal trainer, you can’t avoid your workout. What are you going to do? Dry bake the pasta?
Just two months of either of these activities will make an obvious difference to those tuck shop wings, mama-sister. And if you can do both programs at once and add a little power-tool handling once in a while, you will have arms as fine as mine in no time. ☺