I was only 10 years old when I first (and last) saw it, and so I watch it now with new eyes and a proper understanding of the complex adult behaviour and the machinations of religion, friendship and family that drive the narrative of this great story. I’m also reminded of how much the book/film impressed and influenced me as a little person.

O Eurovision! I love you europy! How did this thing evolve into the Festival of Worstness that it is? Are there seriously no better songwriters than this in the whole of “Europe”? Is melody dead? And what’s with the dancing clowns and hip-hopping mimes? Jesus Wept! At least the semi-clad Roman gladiators doing fisting gestures succeed in distracting you entirely from the music. As for the people they call ‘Artistas’… Anna and Frida must be reaching for the Prozac.

Why the funk do they have to sing in English? “I’m in love with a fairytale/ even though it hurts/ I don’t care if I lose my mind/ cos I’m already cursed” – That was the offering from the winner. Sorry Norway: A LYRIC, IT AIN’T. Spare us your stupidity and sing it in Norwegian next time. I can just see the 2009 auditions : no singing or dancing involved, just an afternoon of smiling midriffs. It looks like every year the show’s heating budget increases, and the stylists’ budgets get cut in half. Next year the ‘Artistas’ will be performing in the nuddy. It’s got to be an improvement.

Anyway, still hobbling about with a cane, taking my powders and pills, waiting for a cure. I’m thinking I might start dressing in black just to complete the old-biddy image.

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